Recently, a question was asked in a forum I frequent. I have copied some of that question here, with identifying details removed, because it got me to thinking and I wanted to expand on those thoughts a bit.
What advice would you give to somebody that refuses to work on the following…
- poor diet
- sedentary lifestyle
- negative thought processes
- toxic relationships
- poor stress management
I have a friend seeking healing but they’re unwilling to do the necessary work. I believe they’d benefit from soul retrieval but I’m reluctant to suggest it because they’ve ignored everything else I’ve recommended.
My short answer to this question was that I would give no advice.
Whose needs am I trying to meet here?
Looking back and critically assessing my own actions, I have discovered that those times when I strongly wanted to offer healing to someone or was tempted to send without their consent. Invariably this wasn’t because I felt I could meet a need they had but because I was trying to meet a need of my own.
At this time it would manifest as “I really need to offer healing to this person.” Further looking, and digging into the why underneath this urge I came across the actual reasoning.
I had a need for recognition and accolades.
I do healing work for you, and you tell me how wonderful I am.
I had a need to fix people.
In my world view, people who are emotionally unhealthy are a threat to my well-being. By fixing and keeping everyone around me “well” I would be keeping myself safe.
I thought I knew what people needed better than they did.
I wanted the other person to be where I thought they should be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually instead of accepting them where they were right then.
Underlying all of these there sits one glaring reason.
An unbalanced ego.
Notice, I have not said that ego is the reason, but an unbalanced ego.
Blaming ego leads to a situation where you focus your attention on trying to remove or ignore personal ego. And you end up in an ego trap.
But I’m a caring person! I’m a healer, it’s what I do.
So why shouldn’t I try to help those around me who need healing?
Let’s look again at the question I pulled from the forum. The person asking says that their friend has a poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, makes poor relationship choices, doesn’t deal with stress well. and has loads of negative thought processes.
Do we think that this friend doesn’t already know these things? Of course they do! Even if they hadn’t figured it out for themself, they’ll have had well-meaning friends, concerned family, busy doctors, and others telling them on a daily basis where her their problems lie and what they need to do to fix it. This contributes to the daily, persistent negative self-talk – I’m failure, I’m worthless, I don’t deserve happiness, I am not good enough.
And into this mix, we now have someone coming in, trying to meet their own need to fix people and get a few warm fuzzies along the way.
When my ego is in balance, I can offer the service of healing from a place of acceptance, instead of using it to meet my own needs.
Now, imagine if, instead of saying to this person – This is what is wrong with you, I want to fix you. – they were instead told – I fully accept you as you are right now.
What a wonderful gift this is.
Doesn’t mean they don’t have work to do. Doesn’t mean that they won’t do it, in their own time. They already know where all their faults and failures lie. Healing comes from being shown where they are good enough, they are worthwhile, and their needs are important. (Even if they aren’t sure what those needs might be.)
Healing doesn’t have to come on your time schedule.
Since I began working on meeting my own needs, the sometimes overwhelming urge to offer my services as a healer to anyone I thought needed them has dropped considerably. I still will offer, but it is offered freely, from a place of unconditional love and acceptance and not from a place of unmet needs.
I still sometimes get caught up in the whole – I must give them healing, why are they not accepting it when I know what is best for them – mindset. I am getting better at stopping myself, and asking the question, ‘Who am I trying to heal? Them, or me?’