In recent years I have seen more and more Energy Healers referring to themselves as “Lightworkers”. They’ve even gone so far as to call me a lightworker, and I have gently corrected them.
I am not a lightworker.
We have a tendency to want to pretend that the shadows don’t exist, they’re too dangerous to venture into, and as beings of light we must stay forever in the light.
We talk of awakening into light. Moving from darkness. As if the light is inherently good, the dark inherently bad, and neither the twain should meet. We assign different human experiences and emotions into either “light” or “dark” categories. Those experiences and emotions deemed bad are ignored, stuffed down, and denied at all costs. Usually, the cost ends up being our own mental health. From personal experience, across my entire life, I have learned that refusing to feel and experience an emotion because it is deemed bad doesn’t cause that emotion to cease in being. It just manifests itself in other, less healthy ways.
Anger can be a sign that our personal boundaries are being crossed. In life and death situations a burst of anger can send a surge of adrenalin through our body that enables us to fight off whatever is threatening our life, or the lives of our family/clan. Granted, most people don’t find themselves in such life and death situations on a regular basis any more. Personal boundaries can still be crossed though.
When we are asked or told to do something that is not in our best interest, when someone behaves towards us in a manner that shows they are not concerned with what is in our best interest, we can feel anger.
Like many people, but women especially, I was taught by the elders in my life while growing up that anger was not an emotion that I was allowed to have. (Actually, I was taught that having any emotion was not allowed, but I am going to focus on just this one emotion today.) Adults could be angry, and they could express it through yelling and lashing out verbally or sometimes physically. But as a child, and as a female child, I was not allowed to be angry. I was not allowed to express my anger.
As an adult woman, anger is an emotion that I am terrified of. Terrified of expressing it, terrified of feeling it, terrified of others expressing it around me. But, as I came to grips with the mental and emotional abuse that I had been subjected to within my marriage, I also started to feel the anger and the utter rage inside me.
Rage that had been growing and filling me up for far longer than the 13 years I was married. I described is a black hole deep in my belly. Even thinking about this blackness would cause it to grow and overwhelm me. My biggest fear was that if I allowed this anger to come out it would utterly destroy me. I would not be able to control it and I would destroy everyone around me as well.
Energy Healing that focuses entirely on light would tell me to release this anger, to flood the black hole with white light. The girl I had been would totally agree with this idea – release it, don’t feel it. Don’t allow myself to anger.
The woman I am today who wants to be fully healed knows better.
Healing and wholeness cannot come from denying the shadow. In order to fully be healed, we need to honour, experience, and release with gratitude the shadow, and integrate it into ourselves.
We release the hole that these shadows have on our lives. The black hole in my gut gradually shrank as I allowed myself to first admit that I was angry, and then to feel it. Right now, when I think about that black hole, I cannot sense it at all.
Today, I can express that anger when it comes up, in ways that are not destructive or damaging towards myself or others. I still have my moments, after all, I’ve had 49 years of conditioning. Those moments over time though, as I continue to learn to meet my needs and establish solid boundaries, I expect to become fewer and fewer. And hopefully I can be a better example to my own children, and not pass down the lessons learned from the elders in my own childhood.
This isn’t lightwork, shining a bright light into the darkness to drive it away. This is shadow work that brings a person safely to their personal black holes, and allows them to acknowledge and embrace that part of themselves with love and gratitude.
Yes, I said love and gratitude because invariably, through honouring that part of our self we learn that it once had a purpose in protecting us from harm. The black hole where all my rage went was a form of protection – expressing anger was not safe as a child so instead it went inwards. If this had happened once or twice, it would not have become so ingrained. Had I then learned safe and appropriate ways of expressing anger, it would not have continued to build in that dark shadowed hole.
Releasing that black hole has not been a matter of pretending it is no longer there, or surrounding it with light. No, it has meant allowing myself to feel that rage, in a safe and appropriate place and manner and to honour that black hole for the protections it gave me. Only then was it able to release itself from my being.
Only then will you be able to release your own black hole.
After several years of personal healing I was finally ready to help others find healing. When I looked inwards to my healing guides to ask where my healing work needs to be focused, I was told – work in the shadows. Become comfortable holding sacred space in the muck and the mud as well as the bright and the clear.
This is now manifesting in the service I am providing through Sacred Visions.
In future it will become a new form of Reiki which I have been shown I will be teaching others.
I am excited about these new opportunities that I see coming into being. Thank you for sharing them with me.