Reflections of Power

Warrior Goddess Training, Section 1

I’ve spent quite a bit of time considering this section in the first chapter of Warrior Goddess Training. This included taking time to do the 10 day Warrior Goddess Bootcamp which was offered through the web site free of charge for those who pre-ordered the workbook. And also time to consider women I admire, and why I admire them.

When I began this journey of discovering who I am 2 years ago, I started with a blank slate. All of my life who I am has been determined by who I am with. Their likes became my likes, their dislikes because my dislikes. Who I am was determined by who they are.

But now, in my life, there is no one else. There’s just me. I’ve been trying things – do I really like this TV show? Do I really like that vegetable? Do I want to dye my hair? Do I want to wear make up? Sometimes, the answer has been yes, but many times I’ve realised the answer is no.

The end of this chapter asked some rather telling questions. These were my answers.

Do you find your self-worth in how you look?

Not in a positive way. I have used my looks as an excuse to devalue my worth. So, in a backwards way that is defining my self-worth by how I look.

There are dozens of messages that have gone through me head over most of my life. Some I told myself first, others were said to me and incorporated into the tapes that played in my head.

You would be pretty if not for….

This is a picture of Nancy when she was pretty. (said by a family member)

I’m fat. I’m too short. Don’t smile. Your words aren’t worth hearing. So many flowing through me, many of which I wasn’t really aware of until I began listing them out.

To counter this, I am paying attention to what meets my needs in the way I dress and in my appearance. What do I want. Some times that agrees with what society says, many times I have found that it does not.

Do you base you value on how well you are taking care of everyone else at the expense of yourself?

This can be a real danger spot for me because I am a healer and I am empathic, and my first urge is to provide healing to others and to remove their pain, whether physical or emotional.

Growth for me has been taking a step back when the urge to heal someone comes over me. Does this urge come from my own intuition or from a desire to get the other person’s approval? Has the other person asked for healing?

Recently, this idea was tested for me in two ways. In the space of 12 hours I was contacted by 2 different people. The first was a request for training in Reiki. The second was a request for an Amulet of the Goddess reading. The difference between the two requests was that the second request came with an unspoken (or unwritten) implication that I should do this free of charge because we knew each other through a social networking group.

Once upon a time, I would have emmed and ahhed and either sent a message back listing my prices, but taking time to justify the reasons why I should be paid, and feeling guilty over asking for money. Or, I would have done the reading but felt resentful at having to do it for no money when this is one of the ways in which I provide for my family.

This time though, I did neither. After giving myself 24 hours to consider the request. I sent a message back letting him know that the Amulets may not be the most appropriate means of finding answers for his questions, linking him to the part of my Pagan Witch blog that lists the various prices, and letting him know if he still wanted a reading this was what the various services would cost.

I’ve not heard back since.

Now, I do occasionally do readings at no charge. But only when the Amulets let me know that I need to do the reading for that person. And only when I know in my heart that the reading is coming from a pale of love, and not from feeling guilty for not doing it.

Does my strength come from how much money I have, how sexy I am or who I know?

I don’t have a lot of money, I don’t particularly care if I am sexy or not, and I certainly don’t know anyone who could boost my outward appearance of power.

But when I was married and before when I was in a relationship, I think that I did do this. Knowing that someone found me sexy helped me to feel powerful. I took my power from someone else’s thoughts and feelings towards me. And when those feelings were removed, my power base disappeared.

Female Role Models – Who are your role models?

What qualities and actions do they embody, such as presence, courage, passion, honesty, compassion, and clarity.
My great-great grandmother, Arminda Jane (Moore) Morton who travelled in a covered wagon from Illinois to the Nebraska Territory, while pregnant and gave birth in a wagon on the journey. Who raised a family through times of extreme poverty, living in houses made of dirt and sod. Qualities in her that I admire – faith, courage, perseverence

My ancestor who divorced and remarried 3 times in the 1800s. Qualities in her that I admire– courage, passion, going after what she wanted and discarding what she didn’t

Temple Grandin – a woman with autism who has become a spokesperson for people with autism around the world, and who is also a world renowned expert on improving the welfare of animals in slaughterhouses. Qualities in her that I admire – presence, courage, perseverance.

Laura Ingalls Wilder – the author and the fictional character. I grew up reading her stories, and as an adult find nothing but admiration for the struggles she dealt with while growing up and as an adult. Qualities in her that I admire – courage, perseverance, presence, fighting spirit.

Pippi Longstocking – the fictional character. She had adventures and was fearless, and she did lots of things because there was no one around to tell her they weren’t possible. Qualities in her that I admire – belief in herself, bravery, sense of adventure.

Esmerelda Weatherwax – fictional character. When I grow old, I want to be a witch just like Mistress Weatherwax. Qualities in her that I admire – her no nonsense approach to life, her common sense.

I’d like to finish this off with a message from the amulets that I received this week.

Labrys – Personal Power

Hold your power in your hands. You are a leader and many will follow you. Make sure you know where you are leading them to.

Hold your power.

Power is not anger. Power is not force. It is not coercion or manupulations. It is not held through fear.

Power is the core of who you are. It sits in your belly and fills you each day.

You have always had this power within you. Even as you denied it, ignored it, and stuffed it away in a corner of your mind. Still it was there for you.

You do not need to claim power, it is already a part of you.

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